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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The First Four Months

Hello! My name is Jennifer.  I'm new to the "blog-o-sphere" and I'm not sure where to start, so I'll start with a few facts:
 I'm married to a 6'4'' Opera singing, Journey FANATIC Swede who just so happens to also be the love of my life
I'm a "dog mom" to two beautiful rescue Pit Bulls named Gertrude Irwin (after Steve Irwin) and Vladamir           Poochin (named for a famous Russian or something...tehetehe) Gertrude is a sleep-aholic and Vladimir is a lunatic who swears he is a member of the Russian army on a secret mission (does anyone else make up fantasy worlds for their dogs to star in?)
I earn my living by (poorly) imitating Bill Nye the Science Guy on a daily basis in my classroom. My students laugh though I'm never quite certain if they're laughing with or at me...
My mother is blind and most people ask if I got away with a lot as a kid because she couldn't see me.  I
respond by telling people that the myth about one's other senses growing stronger to compensate for one that doesn't work is true. My mom can hear you stick your tongue out at no, I didn't get away with much
I have one sibling- my life long best friend and my sister, who can indeed vouch for me with the mom    story. I often wonder if older siblings feel as I do about their little brothers or sisters... do you, too, still view  them as kids?  I l have a propensity still to bug the living tar out of her every time I see her and it never    
gets old. I'm looking forward to being 90 and still making farting noises at her.
 If it is made of chocolate, chances are, I'll eat it- although lately the same could be said for sauerkraut and refried beans...
Which leads me to my last "fun fact."
       I am Preg-A-Saurus Rex! (about 4 months along to be exact)

So what? Big deal! you say.  Billions of women have been pregnant throughout the course of time.  That's all fine and dandy and true...but I've never been pregnant before and therefore, I feel compelled to document this hijacking of my body and sanity because it is fascinating and also because when I'm "me" again I want to look back and say "what a long strange trip it's been" with proof to back it up.  

For the last 4 months I've found myself as a foreigner in a strange and oftentimes hostile land.  Pregnancy is a surreal thing.  Those pregnacy-phobes who call this 9 month period a "parasitic state" kind of have a point.  Don't get me wrong- I'm thrilled to be expecting a baby and I get all ooey-gooey thinking about my baby- but this thing has taken over!  Anyone out there who watches "The Office" may recall Dwight's comments on Pam's pregnancy..."A tiny 3oz fetus is calling all the shots.  That's bad ass!"  The only other times in my life when I have had to vomit uncontrollably, had constipation so bad I thought I'd need a Draino enema to clear the plug, or felt narcoleptic-ally exhausted is when I've had some sort of funky stomach bug or my body was in some other state of disease (that or, I was sitting through my undergrad education classes, but that's another story =)).  But pregnancy is a time in woman's life when she temporarily loses control of her bodily faculties and surrenders them to a tiny being growing inside of her.  Sounds a lot like science fiction to me...

The whole of the pregnancy experience is delightfully weird- from the finding out to the birth of a child.  Think about it. To find out one is pregnant one takes a stick and proceeds to urinate on the stick and then waits for it to tell a fortune with a simple sign (be it negative or positive).  That kind of stuff sounds like it comes from Esther the Witch's  book of spells... 
     " 'Ye take one stick, and in the wee hours of the morn, just before dawn, 'ye passes water on the stick.  3 minutes time must go by before 'ye knows the truth, no more no less, lest 'ye risk disrupting the spell. If it be crossed then 'ye is expecting and if it be not crossed then 'ye is barren and must repeat the spell in one month's time..."

Cravings are something we think we've experienced before pregnancy.  Which woman hasn't had a PMS induced carb frenzy strong enough to scare the nuts out of a Snickers bar? But those cravings are mediocre child's play compared to the ravenous hunger screeches exploding inside a pregnant woman's head.  About a month ago I felt a stabbing, pleading and growing craving suddenly (at 9am) for a bratwurst slathered in sauerkraut.  The craving proceeded to beg at me all day long.  While teaching my students about Newton's 2nd Law of Motion all I could think was "Bratwurst. Sauerkraut. Spicy Mustard." (If I push the bratwurst in to my mouth with a force of 20N and the bratwurst has a mass of 1kg then how fast will the bratwurst accelerate?) 

On my drive home from work the craving was relentless.  Now that I was free from the confines of my  lesson on forces my mission became to find a brat and kraut. I called my best friend to discuss my one-track mind when she had a stroke of pure genius- Costco! Costco sells brats and kraut! Costco is on my way home from work! EUREKA! I can't describe the pang of joy I felt as I parked my car in the lot outside of Costco and marched with extreme purpose to the concession counter and asked the counter guy for a 1/2 lb bratwurst with extra sauerkrat.  The relief! The sweet beautiful relief of devouring a bratwurst covered in spicy mustard and sauerkraut in less than 2 minutes flat. I think I scared the counter guy actually...I caught him staring at me with that look on his face that someone gets when he finds a dead roach in his underwear drawer. I didn't care, though- I had finally achieved my personal version of bliss. Let me tell you, pillow talk has nothing on finally satisfying a pregnancy craving!

So here I am...almost half way through the whole ordeal.  Half way through the joyful and relentless process of creating a whole new life.  So why not document it?  I hope you enjoy reading my perspective on the process...

Until the next entry (hide your sauerkraut, kids)!

Preg-A-Saurus Rex


  1. This is cute Jen! Keep up with it and good luck with everything, I know you will make a great mom! - Kendra

  2. Jen!! Congrats on your baby and welcome to Blog-land! I am fairly new myself and loving it. I will be keeping up with all your prego antics! looking forward to it.

  3. Awww Jenn! You're gonna have a baby! (Give me a tissue!) I wish I could give you a great big hug. I can send you the 'baby essentials' list I sent to Cynthia if you want. You'll be wonderful, momma.

  4. Jenn, the only thing I am waiting for now is your first novel that will indeed be hitting the bestseller list. I laughed out loud when you wrote about your mom, I am sure she even knew all about Jessi and yours "side show circuses" too! Keep the blog coming! You are so talented... you always make me proud of you. You will be the BEST mommy!
    P.S. I LOVE Esther the Witch!