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Friday, October 22, 2010

Cryin’ in the Car, Oil Crises and Fun With Fluids…

 Cryin’ in the Car, Oil Crises and Fun With Fluids…

Hello again good folks!

I’m beginning to think of pregnancy as a looong timeline measured in a broad spectrum of bodily fluids. Bear with me here…

·         At the beginning of our time line we have conception, and well…let’s be modest here, we all know which bodily secretions THAT involves! (and if you’re really not sure you are invited to join my class at the end of the year for my students’ favorite lesson in “human growth and development”-which is always a real crowd pleaser J)…

·         The next grueling 3 to 4 months on the timeline involve every female hormone under the sun seemingly in competition with one another to see just which one can make your life the most miserable.  Progesterone, estrogen, testosterone, throwadogabone…they’re all coursing through your veins with the fiercest of malice, all trying to “one up” the other on the pain-in-the-you-know-what scale.

·         Every pregnant woman’s favorite pregnancy memory is of the delicate porcelain basin of her toilet bowl and how her twisted face peered back at her in the water’s reflection as she’s about to chuck up the next bodily secretion on the list.  There’s nothing quite as undignified as puking…especially when you do it at the drop of the hat, several times a day, and in the most convenient of locations, like say, the grocery store or the gas station- I’m just sayin’...

·         All of this fun stuff culminates at the end of the time line in one big splashy, squishy and all around wet secretion (please, do not read “That’s what she said” here J).  Pop! goes the water and Out! comes the baby.  And while I haven’t yet gotten to this stage, my female counterparts who are experienced in this level of the timeline assure me it’s quite a “celebration of secretions.” Oh, the joy!

So, I am in week 16 ½ and I find myself here (see below) in the secretion timeline:

            I’m wondering to myself why some women get lucky and have that “authentic” pregnancy glow. To me, where I stand, that “pregnancy glow” is a big fat pregnancy “myth.”  No- allow me to take that back and clarify- for me, the “pregnancy glow” is more like the BP Oil Crisis (BP standing for “Big and Pregnant” in this case). 

            Secretion here? Well, to be exact, the secretion is about two buckets full of oil produced in bulk quantity with swift efficiency by my skin.  Lately, I’ve felt more like I have a burger-joint sized grease slick on my face  than I’ve felt like I have that “fresh morning dew” look that some people describe a pregnancy “glow."  Seriously now- I could probably fry an egg with the amount of oil my skin is producing if I could just figure out how to contain it.  It’s gross. I feel gross from it, like I should make some squishy viscous sound when I walk because of it.  When I wear make-up, mid way through the day, I have this mental visual of what I look like and it’s something like this: a deranged zombie with a bad case of leprosy.  The deranged zombie part? Well, that’s because I’m pregnant and I work with 120 12 year olds everyday , and the leper part? That’s because the slop of makeup, sweat and oil on my face has reached maximum capacity – it has overcome the containment valve- and feels as if it’s going to drop from my face in gloopy, gloppy SPLATS!

I feel as if I should walk around wearing a placard that reads:
                        “Dear concerned public,
                        No wildlife or large bodies of water were harmed in this oil spill” with an arrow pointing up, towards my face.

Needless to say, I’m hoping to get a containment cap on this crisis before we’re all swimmin’ in it!

           “Phantom Tears” are just another bodily fluid I’ve become all too familiar with these past few weeks.  I call them “phantom” tears because these tears aren’t real.  They’re not staged either, like crocodile tears.  I just mean- I don’t know why they come.  My husband pleads with me “Babe- tell me what’s wrong.  How can I make it better?” and my response is a whiney, high pitched squelch, blurted out though bursts of saltwater spatters and gasps for air “I…I…<<sob>> don’t..I…don’t KNOW what is wrong <<squelch squelch, blurt, blurt>>!!” And really- I don’t.  There’s no reason for my crying.  No bad thing- no vicious catalyst - spurred this uncorking of emotion.  The uncorking's just HAPPEN.

            For instance, I was driving to work the other morning flipping through the radio stations, trying to find something decent to listen to amongst the plethora of super cheesy morning DJ’s and the smörgåsbord of Michael Bolton songs, when I stumbled on an Oldies station playing the song “I love you more today than yesterday” by the Spiral Starecase (groovy baby, yeah!).  6 years back I watched my cousin (at the time he was less than a year old) during the day while my Uncle was at work.  I grew very attached to this kid- whom I affectionately nicknamed “monkey butt” and whom affectionately still replies when I call him that, even though I’m sure it’s not “cool” anymore.  I used to sing him this song when he was only about 8 months old.  The song is a happy song. It is a song that conjures up happy memories for me.  I still sing him this song. There is no reason for me to be sad when I hear this song.  Yet, on this morning, when the first note hit my ears so did the first phantom tears fall…and boy did they keep falling!  I bawled my way to work.  Sitting at the red lights I could feel the stares of the other passengers on me while they were probably muttering to themselves “Great, I’m sharing the road with a train wreck…” and if I weren't in such a sappy state of mind, I might have snapped at them with the voracity and yappiness of a Pomeranian on a bad fur day  (as has been happening a lot lately!) and given those bad-mouther's a piece of my mind.    

Pregnancy has involved some bodily oddities for me, for sure, but that's not to say it hasn't come with out some joy.  I felt my baby kick the first time about a week and a half ago.  Admittedly, at first, I was quick to pass the kicking off just a sign of another oncoming  pregnancy secretion (or really, just a bad side effect of the refried bean burritos I'd been eating) but this wasn't "trouble a'brewin' "- it was different.  It was a rapid and uncoordinated THUMP THUMP BUMP THUMP in my lower abdomen and it lasted for about 7 or 8 seconds.  For the first couple of seconds it seemed indistinct and commonplace (like I said, as common as gas is when you're pregnant which is pretty much all the time), and then I noticed an intensity and oddness in the sensation and suddenly it dawned on me that this was my baby.  My baby was in there doing what felt like bicycle kicks!  Ever since that day I've felt it do this everyday and it's wondrous every time it happens.  There really is a tiny person inside of me! And when I think of my situation in that light, all the other pregnancy annoyances really aren't that bad.

Until next time, folks- remember "lather, rinse and repeat" are the instructions found on the back of shampoo bottles- not on face wash, so be thankful you're not the one following them when you scour your face. And like baby does, KEEP ON KICKIN'! 

Preg-A-Saurus Rex

P.S. Check out the "music video" for "I love you more today than yesterday."  I youtubed the video for toots-n-giggles and the lead singer is eerily identical to my brother-in-law...I'd LOVE to see him in this guy's suit!!



  1. LMAO! You've got it this. Although it's been 27 years, I soooo remember all of these things happening to me, twice:) Wouldn't have missed it for the world. P.S. he does look like Jeremy. Keep up the great work. Literally and figuratively. Love you!

  2. Too True! How acquainted we become with all of our bodily functions during pregnancy...don't you remember me calling you from the bathroom one night, screaming "Low point! Having a low point!" Thank you for documenting this for all of us and truly being able to describe what is going through all of our heads during this wonderful yet maniacal state. Tell Bruce to kiss your belly for me.
    Belle and I Love you!!!