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Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Barf-N-Scream Fest '14

Short, sweet, to the point- I earned my glass of Cabernet this evening.

You want to know what is so much fun when bathing your children?  It is when one of them eliminates some sort of bodily fluid into the communal tub.  Tonight I was treated to this specialty by my daughter Hanalei, who, after a coughing fit from a lingering cold and a couple of shots of bath water sucked down in rapid succession because she knows she's not supposed to drink it, proceeded to barf her guts up into the bath.  Why is it that, as irrational as it is (I have hands with fingers, not buckets, attached to the ends of my arms) that I always lunge towards the vomit like I'm going to magically cradle it in my hands?  I'm like a wide receiver of puke...anyway, I digress.  Despite my very fastidious efforts to catch the projectile barf, it got all over my daughter, my son who was bathing with her, and the kids' bath toys.  Score one: barf  Score none: mom.

I wailed for my hubby to come help and we both plucked the kids out of the now chunky and filmy bath water.  My son really does not deal well with abrupt changes.  One minute he's ambling along pouring water on his sister's head, the next minute she has barfed on him, and immediately following that debacle, he's yanked from his bath.  All that to say- he was screaming his freaking head off that he wanted his toys back and he wanted back in the bath.  When Karl reaches this stage, the T-Rex meltdown point, there's really no reversing it, and so we were in for a doozie of a night.

The next forty five minutes consisted of my son treating us to a fine blend of 2 parts crying, 2 parts sobbing, 4 parts screaming, and 2 parts thrashing about because he wasn't able to finish his bath, play with his toys, didn't want to get his pajamas on, didn't want to read a bedtime story, and basically didn't want to do much of anything except continue to scream, cry, thrash, and sob.  That's when the night really got interesting...

That lingering cough of Hanalei's?  Karl has it, too.  What happens when a crazy 3 year old throws a torrential fit for forty five minutes straight who also has a nasty left-over cough?  You guessed it!  He BARFS!  In the middle of a rant, this time because I was reading to Hanalei and he didn't want me to, Karl started coughing uncontrollably.  I tried to comfort him-calm him, to his extreme resistance (He kept yelling at me "NO MOMMY!  I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!").  The coughing led to choking, which led to gagging, which led to me playing wide receiver again as I dove in front of his deluge of vomit.  It got EVERYWHERE.  All over the towel, all over him, all over Hana's rug in her room, all over me.

I scrubbed the carpet and wiped myself down for the second time this evening while Bruce tossed Karl back into the bath.  Karl was now stunned from the barfing and speaking mildly- no, more like pathetically- saying (in his most pitiful voice)  "Thank you. I just wanted to go back in my bath and you made my feelings hurt when you took me out of the bath and then I barfed."  His rendition of the night was that we decided to remove him from his bath for the heck of it, keep him out of his bath out of our combined desire to make him as miserable as possible, and get him so worked up that he barfed. was all OUR fault.

Now that both of our barfing children are finally asleep in their beds and I have my glass of wine in hand, I wonder to myself how days and nights that are seemingly playing out so normally can go so completely awry.  Then I think, this must be why wine was invented so many thousands of years ago- so the parents of the distant past could relax after their very own ensembles of chaos with their children of the distant past had ended.

Somewhere out there in the great wide world, there is another mom who went through something similar tonight with her brood.  Someone out there has lived through this kind of homegrown crazy before and can relate.
Until next time, I say- this drink is to you!