The last two entries to this blog have been rather saturated with serious. The reason I created this blog, though, was to give an honest look at pregnancy and motherhood. The last two posts have, pridefully on my part, also been slathered in honesty. Motherhood isn't all pretty, folks. If you're not a mom yet, but dream of one day cuddling your sweet little bundle of joy in your arms, lost in the bliss that is a sweet sleeping baby, I've got news for you... it won't be the way you've imagined it. There's no sugar coating it because the sticky-sweet propaganda we've been fed since we were old enough to caress our baby dolls is not reality. Please please please, let me reassure you, there are moments (and as your child grows older the moments become more and more common than not) when your life is filled with so much "goodness" you think the very seams of it will pop open. I've never known any joy, never known any bliss, quite as magnificent and intoxicating as being a mommy- though I have to say openly and honestly that the euphoric state of happy isn't a constant. It comes and goes and like the yin and yang of life, so too do the trials, tribulations and downright meltdowns of motherhood. I gaze into Karl's eyes at least once everyday and feel the power of a miracle that lies within them. That may sound dramatic, and yes, it is, but it is undoubtedly the truth. To lock eyes with your child is like feeling a puzzle piece slide into place. It's a key that fits when no other in the world will and- BOOM, upon turning it you see secrets and wonder you never knew existed. I can't really explain it but you just "know" them in that moment, more intimately than you've ever known another person. Awww...how sweet and profound....but there is also at least one time a day when I think to myself "HOLY CRAP THIS IS EXHAUSTING!!!!!!!!" Sometimes, I don't think it...sometimes I just say it aloud. That's motherhood for you...
So,that being said, and without further adieu, I am here to announce that despite the aches, pains, and over-active oil glands of my first pregnancy, and despite the crippling post partum depression and OCD I suffered after I had Karl...I AM PREGNANT AGAIN! Yeppers... you read that right... I'm 20 weeks pregnant. I can't believe it either (sometimes). I'm having another baby- and while some might think that I'd be panicked with fear or anxiety because of what I went through after having my son- the real truth is I'm ecstatic! I am about to do this all over again, only this time I feel like I have a "cheat code."
Yeah, yeah, yeah, not every baby is the same and obviously now I'll have 2 kids to tend to, but at least this time around I know what to expect. I don't care HOW many books you read before you have your first child, or how many friends give you advice, you just don't know what being a mom will be like until you experience it for yourself. This go 'round, I have already experienced it. The first 3 months stink...there's no other way to put it... you're exhausted, you smell like old cheese from your leaky nipples and you haven't showered in days and your baby doesn't care. It will scream at you just to scream, it will poop on you the moment you get out of the first shower you've had in 8 days and it will wake up every 2 hours a night to nurse from your chaffed and hard-as-rock boobs. I know all this now. I won't feel quite so out of sorts. Babies scream because they can and this time I'm not going to over analyze what I'm doing wrong, or could be doing better, to "fix" the baby. This time I expect to be much more at ease and accepting of the challenges that come with a newborn.
Bruce and I didn't play the cutesy "lets wait to see" gender game this time. We wanted to know as soon as we could so we could begin preparing for this baby. Actually, he wanted to know as soon as he could so he could start planning when we'd try to have a 3rd baby if this one was another boy. Bruce is really bent on having a daughter- he wants a "daddy's girl." When he came to me with that proposal, before we knew the gender of this baby, he said "Babe, if this one is a boy, we are going to try for a 3rd baby, right? For a girl?" I gazed into my husband's ocean green eyes, nothing the innocence and longing of his request in them, and replied "Hell NO! If this one's a boy, you'd better start praying for granddaughters." Why on Earth, even when it's your own husband, does ANYONE think it's ever OKAY to ask a PREGNANT woman when or if she'll have more kids? That's like asking an amputee when he'll lose his next leg in the middle of the first whack. Really, really, really, folks...just don't do it.
While I'm on this tangent I might as well roll with it. What the heck is wrong with people? It is also NEVER okay to say to a pregnant woman "Jeeze, you're huge, are you sure it's not twins?" This translates, "DAMN GIRL! You're a heifer!" to a pregnant woman's ears. It is also never acceptable to say to a pregnant woman "You're looking pretty big...must be any day now." To a pregnant woman's ears this translates as, "DAAAAMMMMNNN GIRL! You're a friggin' blue whale!" And finally, it is never okay to ask "Do you think you could get any bigger? How are you going to give birth to that kid?" This translates as "Holy Mary above, you're the size of a cruise ship and you're going to look like the Titanic when that mess is over." "How far along are you, again?" asked in a "you look freakishly large" tone is also never a good thing to say, either. Really, I have pregnancy hormones coursing through my veins on an open drip- it's not safe to ask me these things.
Okay...got that off my chest....
So, God shone down upon us (more like, God probably sensed that I'd flip out on Bruce if he asked me to get pregnant one more time) and blessed us with...A BABY GIRL! We are expecting a beautiful baby girl sometime in late September. I suppose I'm a glutton for punishment, because I know how difficult it's going to be, but I'm also a little selfish, too, because I know how spectacular it's going to be. I really couldn't have asked God for a more perfect or whole family than the one he has bestowed upon me. I am truly blessed- I'm blessed to get to know the profound love of motherhood all over again. I'm blessed to get to know the profound exhaustion and utter insanity of motherhood all over again, too. It's a dichotomy that can not be separated or severed. You take the good with the bad and you love every moment of it...at least, that's what I do now.
So, in my next entry I'll write about what this pregnancy has been like because it sure as heck hasn't been a lot like my last. 'Tis true what "they" say, every pregnancy really IS different. For now, though, I can't dedicate the amount of time I once did to writing blog entries. It's 9:30pm and it's my bed time- for above most other daily activities- I cherish sleep more than most now.
Until next time, folks (which will be soon, writing is cathartic and I'm making a habit of doing it more often), remember- Good things take hard work and hard work brings about good things. Being a mommy is HARD WORK, but it brings about the BEST THINGS in life!
Perpetually Preg-A-Saurus Rex